Do These Pants Look Good On Me?

Do These Pants Look Good On Me?

I come in from a dog walk, my husband greets me, strikes a pose and asks the title question. He is wearing a pair of brand new jeans. He wants a simple and enthusiastic yes! Instead he gets an incredulous look and a metric ton of snark.

Are you kidding me with this!?

He hasn’t bought new jeans since the pandemic. It’s been months and months since house arrest. We do go out now. I’ve had to accept the fact that relaxer pants, as he calls them, are the only option. I have said quite a few times, go get yourself some new Levis. Lord have mercy does he look good in new Levis. How does he have these Levis loooking trousers and not know it? Have these fantastic pants been in his drawer unnoticed for a year and a half? Are you telling me he could have worn these jeans to our anniversary dinner? I am paralyzed by bafflement.

After my attempt to physically convey total aghast-ness, I switch gears and yell, You look freaking amazing! Those are the best pants I’ve seen on you in ages!

So, they look ok?

I glare at him.

Just say yes.

Yes. Yes! If by ok, you mean great than yes! Where have these been?

You think the cut is okay?

What are you talking about!?

Is this style alright?

You have only worn one style of jeans the entire time I have known you and this is that style. These jeans are perfect on you.

They don’t look weird anywhere?

Where?! Where do they look weird? Point to the problem.

He just shrugs.

They could not look one bit better. Please do not take them off.

So, you like them?

I am screaming what he wants to hear in an aggrieved tone. Why isn’t he be placated?


He sips his coffee then exits the kitchen.

I often ask him if my hair looks okay, my long straight hair which hasn’t been out of a braid or ponytail since I was eight years old. Not much to comment on. But he wants you to know he always says it looks nice and then says nothing else. What a lovely man. Doesn’t he look good in his new pants.

Multiply by Stupidity, Subtract Piece of Mind

Multiply by Stupidity, Subtract Piece of Mind

You know how there is always some amount of nonsense that ruins everything? I am working on codifying that into a mathematical formula I would like to call the Asinine Factor. Multiply anything you want to achieve against it and come out 2 to 140,000 steps behind. It’s the universal wail of “Why?!!??” that we all scream at least once a year or maybe 10 times a day. Depends how lucky you are.

This is what got me ruminating on it. I am on my second pair of cool sneakers. Cool sneakers are for special occasions. They are there to signify to other people that you know what’s what. If you can’t afford to know what’s what on a regular basis you have to only wear them when you think someone might see you. Otherwise you wear the regular sneakers. I loved my first pair of cool sneakers and when the shine came off they actually became the regular sneakers. What a wonderful time that was. Even I thought I was cool for ten seconds. But eventually they wore down. They now live in retirement under my bedside table. You are supposed to have footwear nearby in the event of a nighttime earthquake event so you don’t cut your feet running down the hall of broken framed family portraits in the dark, calling out to the dogs. So no matter what I write next, I have that going for me. I’m not going to have bloody feet when I find out half my apartment is gone.

Little Dusty Under Here

So my new cool sneakers are the same style, different color combo. Arc’teryx calls them the “Approach” shoe. According to the sales person, it’s the shoe you wear when you are approaching the mountain you’re going to hike. The implication being you would change into hiking boots upon getting to said mountain. What a world! So many specialty items! So little disposable income! I use mine to walk the same set of 10 blocks while my two small dogs pee on pee. We could call it the “Approaching Urination” shoe and it would be just as appropriate.

Stupidly I was wearing the approaching urination shoes for my own pleasure only to come home to the wonderful game of “Do you smell that?” Answer honestly, have you ever played that game and the outcome wasn’t dog shit? Chivalrously, husband said he would handle it for me. I usually handle my own shit but I’m stressed out with work and so I accepted. Turns out his offer was no different than being in denial. The shoe was placed by the backdoor where is has remained as an impediment to entry every since. Each time I kick it aside, I think a little more deeply about the Asinine Factor or AF for short.

The AF is about that portion of reality that can’t be made to go according to plan. I notice it everywhere. Let’s look at another example that is not at all similar and yet yields the same discouraging results: Adobe Creative Suite. So many updates, so many opportunities to trade expansive creative time for clenched jawed trouble shooting. What’s more soul enriching that googling the phrase: “.mov .mp4 thumbnails not showing in 2019”. I mean why even do art when I could learn and learn and learn and learn about preference settings and Mac OS incompatibilities. Just cuz it worked for the last two years doesn’t mean I don’t thrill to the romance of it not working today. Adobe you bad boy! And of course the horrible international health scare that is AF-ing every plan of every person on the planet.

So the AF is that which worked yesterday but does not work today. It’s the slow person weaving in front of you on a narrow sidewalk when you’re late to a movie. It’s a virus you’re thinking more about than politics. That’s weird! It’s the world where shitty shoes stand sentry to your comings and goings because your to do list has a year long wait list. Life may holds many joys and many sorrows but none go un-mixed with stupidity.