More Banana Than You Can Handle

More Banana Than You Can Handle

It was my husband Andy’s birthday yesterday and we fought for ten minutes over a banana. I am desperate not to be the bad guy here, but I think I might be.

I was eating the last banana and asked, just like this:

Hey Hon, do want some of this banana?

He says, I don’t want banana right now, but you can leave me half of it.

But do you want banana?

I’m eating toast.

Ok. But do you want some banana?

I wasn’t going to have any banana, but I can have some if you want.

No. I don’t need you have any banana. Do you want some? I am happy to give you some if you want it, but I can also eat all of this.

I bought the bananas because I like them. I thought you didn’t eat bananas.

I’m eating them this week. Were they supposed to be for you? Did I eat all your bananas?

It’s fine. I don’t care. I might eat it later. I just thought you didn’t eat bananas.

Yes or no, do you want some of this banana?

Andy replies with words that are neither yes nor no. And that unfortunately is an issue for me. I should let it go. I should learn to interpret what he means. But I have this overwhelming need to be able to communicate on my own terms, so I persist. I follow him into the bedroom and keep going. I say:

Is this a southern thing? Are you not answering me because both answers show a lack of care for me and you are only interested in showing care? Like if you say yes, that means you might be depriving me of a whole banana and saying no means you might be rejecting my generous offer?

He nods while making the bed and replies, that could be. I thought maybe you were offering it because it’s like eggs and was more banana than you can handle.

He is so considerate of me he can’t answer the question. He’s only thinking of me and how much banana I can handle. The yes or no makes it only about him. What a man. I was actually asking him if he wanted some banana because I love him.

A little later I came into his office and said. Yes or no only! I just poured myself the last cup of coffee. Do you want half? He said yes. And he got half.

Dislodging the Unmovable Boulder

Dislodging the Unmovable Boulder

I wanted flowers. I planted flowers. I expected flowers. Why didn’t I water them?!

Three years ago, I put a whole bunch of images up on a photography-based website that lets you sell directly to people. So convenient. The website is sidewalkface.com. It was a lot of effort, but I persevered because it gave me the ability to sell prints and present the sidewalk faces in thematic groupings. Right off the bat I made a bunch of sales. I was happy. I thought I would have so much fun keeping it updated.

Then…..

Nothing happened. Not with other people. With me! I stopped interacting creatively with the website. Why? I don’t know. I don’t like it? I don’t know why I don’t like. I don’t want to know what my hands are currently typing out faster than my brain can process. It took so much force of will and stamina to build. It was supposed to be the thing. I must be bad for neglecting it. I had all these big ideas and I did none of them. NONE OF THEM!

Instead of tending that website, I found myself blogging. Instead of adding my newest work to keep the website up to date and fresh, I would come over here and use my art to illustrate ideas I have about the creative process. Sidewalk Face as an entity was developing over here more than it was developing over there. That’s just the facts. The interpretation of the facts remains to be typed out. I am so curious what I am going to say but I am also afraid. I hope I don’t say something that makes me feel bad.

The surest way to get to the truth of something is to see what is being done and what is not being done. We tend to overvalue what we “think” about something but the evidence for our real priorities lies in our actions. The truth is I enjoy writing more than I enjoy organizing the faces into new galleries. I thought putting them into galleries was what I most wanted to do but I was wrong. The other truth is I want to sell them as limited edition prints on a better quality paper. I have been wrestling with this for over a year. The old website is like a boulder blocking me from the path I want to go down, its heaviness formed by the weight of my expectations. It feels like, if I remove it, all my hard work and imagination was for nothing. If I don’t remove it, my future hard work and imagination is imprisoned.

If you really want to do something and you suddenly have the chance, you are one hundred percent doing it. Like if you really want coffee and someone brings you one, you’ve already had a big sip before the end of this sentence.

What I have learned about art is that only the stuff you want to do gets made. Art is totally optional and it’s a lot of work. So, it’s very important to tell ourselves the truth about what we want. It’s very important to nurture the art we are actually capable of making and stop paying any attention at all to the amazing theoretical art we never make.

So, what is the truth about what I want? Hmmmmm… will I keep writing, or refresh my coffee and let this blog post sit for another month, or year or forever?

I want this to be my main website and I want to sell the work over here. I will be changing the name of this blog to sidewalkface.com soon. And I will have something very special to offer soon as well. I am excited!

Thank you to Mary, Joanne and Kerry for your encouragement. You dislodged my unmovable mental boulder by tilting my word view just enough that gravity lost its power. I appreciate that.