Art, Striving to Be Better

Too Much

by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl

I want to do too much. 

I feel like I want to do many different things at every moment and no matter what I pick, I am berating myself for not picking the other thing. No choice can make me happy because I am always NOT attending to something important. Sometimes I gossip to myself about myself and I am not nice.

Of course, this makes me uncomfortable in the present moment. I want to leave this place that is so critical of my choices.

I usually pick something productive yet easy, like doing the dishes, and then I tell myself that when this little chore is done, we will be in better shape to do all the other stuff. I might listen to a podcast so I can’t hear the negativity.

When I am done with that task, I am surprised to find I still feel freaked out about how much stuff needs to get done. 

I am telling myself a lie over and over. The lie is this: You will be happy when all the things are done. Do you know what it’s called when all the things are done?

RIP.

I am trying to stop doing this. I am trying to stop trying. I am experimenting with just being in the activity rather than accomplishing the activity. It’s really hard. That gossipy part of myself is always blathering on and distracting us. She is constantly narrating everything, categorizing everything, ranking everything and comparing everything. It’s so hard to shut her up. But if I succeed without the aid of someone else talking, there is a sense of relief. 

A sense of just enough.

8 thoughts on “Too Much”

  2. Don’t feel alone, and congratulate yourself on articulating this common frustration so clearly. The phrase ‘learn to live in the moment’ has become overused and therefore hackneyed. But that’s the trick. That doesn’t mean it is at all easy to accomplish it. Oh dear, I think I am pontificating.

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    1. Thank you Mariss! Articulating is important to me, or perhaps its another thing on the list of things to do. I don’t know! I agree that there is nothing at all to do except practice living in the moment and we are given quite the supply to practice with! I need to remember that each moment is not an item on the check list to rush through but the very essence of living itself.

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  3. Good luck. I find being mindful is tricky at the times when I need it. Probably because I don’t practice it enough when things are going well.

    I hope you can ignore the gossiping, negative voice in your head and just keep on going. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you so much. I am so used to the voice, I don’t take her too seriously, or at least not all the time. She is there and I can’t make her go but I know she is not the authority. Thanks for the reminder to practice in the good times. Practice all the time!

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  4. Oh wow, I experience the same thing too. Add procrastination on top of all that and you have a nagging feeling that never ends.

    What’s helped me is cultivating non-negotiable habits. It’s not the habits themselves but me overcoming daily challenges to carry out said habits that help me grow. Over the course of this year, I’ve grown from feeling antsy about there being so many things to do in this world, to me telling myself I can get anything done—and that’s thanks to me keeping my own word.

    Hopefully you find your own path soon. Anyway, thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thanks Stuart! I get a lot done.The problem is that I’m noticing my mind doesn’t care how much I get done, it still wants to pester me with whatever I missed. The trick is to think less somehow. To not listen to this voice. But still to do worthy things and enjoy doing them. I agree that it’s the constant overcoming daily challeges that provide real self esteem. Thank you for your thoughtful comment!

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