Meditation – Sidewalk Face

Too Much

April 12, 2022by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl8 Comments

I want to do too much.

I feel like I want to do many different things at every moment and no matter what I pick, I am berating myself for not picking the other thing. No choice can make me happy because I am always NOT attending to something important. Sometimes I gossip to myself about myself and I am not nice.

Of course, this makes me uncomfortable in the present moment. I want to leave this place that is so critical of my choices.

I usually pick something productive yet easy, like doing the dishes, and then I tell myself that when this little chore is done, we will be in better shape to do all the other stuff. I might listen to a podcast so I can’t hear the negativity.

When I am done with that task, I am surprised to find I still feel freaked out about how much stuff needs to get done.

I am telling myself a lie over and over. The lie is this: You will be happy when all the things are done. Do you know what it’s called when all the things are done?

RIP.

I am trying to stop doing this. I am trying to stop trying. I am experimenting with just being in the activity rather than accomplishing the activity. It’s really hard. That gossipy part of myself is always blathering on and distracting us. She is constantly narrating everything, categorizing everything, ranking everything and comparing everything. It’s so hard to shut her up. But if I succeed without the aid of someone else talking, there is a sense of relief.

A sense of just enough.

Relationships, Striving to Be Better

I Don’t Like This But It Seems Like It’s My Fault

December 9, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl8 Comments

My husband just told me that if we are on a plane together and something starts to go wrong, he is going to sit with someone else because I get too upset.*

I don’t like this at all, but it’s kind of on me, right? I need to calm down.

I am not good at being calm when a lot of unpleasant unknowns are coming at me.

My first reaction is to short circuit and yell. I start making it all about me. How dare reality impinge on my wellbeing like this?! Neither admirable nor attractive, I too would skitter away if possible.

On the positive side, I usually get my shit back together reasonably fast. I don’t stay in that state for hours on end. I burn bright and quick. Since I really want to be a source of strength and pleasure for those in my company, I try to tidy up the emotional mess soon after it appears. But I just can’t seem to figure out how to nip it in the bud.

I hate sharing this because all I seem to hear is meditation mediation meditation. I know! And I do! My goodness. That’s how I am able to right the ship. I am very mindful. Mindful enough to know I am an animal and when I get scared, that’s not the time to try and pet me. I have to have my little moment of pure shock.

Life is quite challenging. It’s very hard to be perfect. If you’re stoic, which is awesome on bumpy airplanes, you might not be the most fun. If you’re emotional, which is taxing, you might give the best hugs. If you’re resourceful and effective, you might seem too competent to empathize. If you’re a wreck, you might be exciting but unreliable. You just can’t do it all and be it all. I would like to, to be everything to everybody. But I can’t and I don’t and I’m not. Oh well.

But I think I will try to be one iota more contained. An iota a day keeps the husband not away.

*Just in case you are new here, my husband said this in jest, and it was well deserved. He would not actually abandon me on a plane or anywhere. He is a very nice man. I am glad he said it because it’s important to know when you’re at the boundary of too annoying to put up with. If someone cares enough to give you a signal, you can retreat a few steps back and just be moderately annoying.

Documentary Editing, Striving to Be Better, wisdom

Mindfulness in Folsom Prison

October 21, 2021October 21, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl21 Comments

Holding Still is a short documentary film about practicing centering prayer while serving time at Folsom Prison. I am sharing it here, because I am the editor and story writer.

This film is part of a larger project to raise awareness about centering prayer and to try and increase the availability of this practice for incarcerated people. Centering prayer is nonsectarian and requires no set of beliefs. There is no dogma. It is similar to meditation and mindfulness.

If you need a dose of hope in something substantial, check it out.

Thank you to the men who trusted us with their stories and wanted to share their peace. This film is only possible because of their insight and candor.

The film was made by incredible team of people. I am very honored to be part of that team.

Ray Leonardini – Producer and centering prayer facilitator at Folsom
Mary Trunk – Director
Caren McCaleb – Editor/Writer
Roman Zenz – Cinematographer
Lucky Atkare – 2nd Camera