marriage – Page 3 – Sidewalk Face

Humor, Relationships

Well, Well Well! What Have We Here?

November 19, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl13 Comments

Coming back from a hike I say to my husband, Look what I found!

Are you going to put that on?

I put it on.

Oughh! I hope you’re going to wash your hands.

I shrug and move and my fingers dramatically.

You got it out of a drainpipe?

Don’t worry, I already checked for spiders.

Is that fresh blood or printed on?

No comment.

You’re crazy. Put that in the laundry.

Full story. I saw something while walking back to my car. I didn’t say to myself, oh look at that. I just found myself staring at what seemed like deflated starfish tentacles stuck in a drainpipe. I pulled on it and discovered a glove. Most likely a post Halloween artifact. I pinched each glove finger and squeezed up and down the length to disable anything that might be tempted to bite me, then slipped it on. It was pleasingly strange. I don’t have anything like this. Not that I know what I would do it with it but surely something will come to mind. It’s not going to take up much space. I’ve picked up and carried home much more annoying items. I was keen to show my husband the full effect, but he wasn’t nearly as excited as I was.

I wonder who lost it? A teenager, a child? An adult? I doubt that little Hollywood Hills dead ender has much trick or treat action so probably someone on their way to or from a party. But surely it was lost on the street. Who picked it up and stuck it so purposely in the drainpipe? A do gooder who thought the owner would come back and find out. Sorry good Samaritan but not a likely scenario. Who would shorten the productive part of their day to haul ass to the neighborhood of a recent holiday party to search for a misplaced faux bloody spider fingers glove? So why pick it up out of the gutter? Or did they just think it looked cool, a little random local art installation. Did anyone else notice it, touch it, try it on? Would you?

Relationships

Matrimonial Quantum Entanglement

November 9, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl9 Comments

Marriage is the agreement where you and another person decide to physically merge in such a way that you will be guaranteed to show up at the same spot at the same time for maximum inconvenience.

A few examples:

You are about to work out in front of the TV. You’ve been setting this up for a few minutes, turning on the tv, adjusting the sound. It’s super obvious what is happening but nevertheless, just as the workout is starting, your spouse positions themself directly in the front of the tv. They claim they left their coffee there.

You need to leave the house ASAP and your spouse is obstructing the exit by hanging laundry in the back room. The washing machine takes up so much space there is only a very narrow strip, maybe 16 inches wide, between it and the wall. You can’t both be in it at the same time and yet you are.

You need to go from the front of the house to the back. Your spouse receives the quantum notification and proceeds to move from the bedroom to the balcony such that you will jostle each other in the hallway’s bottleneck. This passageway was originally designed to accommodate two traversers, but your spouse has lined a good portion of it with a small table and a folding screen. You have further eroded the pedestrian capacity with a huge metal filing cabinet from the 1930s and an Ikea cupboard that could probably qualify as a small third bedroom. So maybe you like it when this happens?

Though frequently at opposite ends of the apartment due to offices in different rooms, you show up in the kitchen at the same time, rummaging in the same area, but not for the same things. Your spouse wants beer nuts, you grab around them for Pringles. Too hungry people working in near total solitude confused by congestion.

Let’s not even discuss the bathroom except to say why is it like this? How does one sync one’s biological plumbing to go off at the exact same time? This one is probably the hardest to handle.

Maybe it’s a small cramped apartment. Maybe its perfectly correlated wave functions. Maybe you are no longer two things but one inseparable whole. You know that’s not true but it’s the romantic spin you place on these daily collisions. Satellites of Love as Lou Reed might say.

Sidewalk Face 128

Humor, Relationships

Do These Pants Look Good On Me?

October 3, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl9 Comments

I come in from a dog walk, my husband greets me, strikes a pose and asks the title question. He is wearing a pair of brand new jeans. He wants a simple and enthusiastic yes! Instead he gets an incredulous look and a metric ton of snark.

Are you kidding me with this!?

He hasn’t bought new jeans since the pandemic. It’s been months and months since house arrest. We do go out now. I’ve had to accept the fact that relaxer pants, as he calls them, are the only option. I have said quite a few times, go get yourself some new Levis. Lord have mercy does he look good in new Levis. How does he have these Levis loooking trousers and not know it? Have these fantastic pants been in his drawer unnoticed for a year and a half? Are you telling me he could have worn these jeans to our anniversary dinner? I am paralyzed by bafflement.

After my attempt to physically convey total aghast-ness, I switch gears and yell, You look freaking amazing! Those are the best pants I’ve seen on you in ages!

So, they look ok?

I glare at him.

Just say yes.

Yes. Yes! If by ok, you mean great than yes! Where have these been?

You think the cut is okay?

What are you talking about!?

Is this style alright?

You have only worn one style of jeans the entire time I have known you and this is that style. These jeans are perfect on you.

They don’t look weird anywhere?

Where?! Where do they look weird? Point to the problem.

He just shrugs.

They could not look one bit better. Please do not take them off.

So, you like them?

I am screaming what he wants to hear in an aggrieved tone. Why isn’t he be placated?

NEVER BE WITHOUT THESE EXCEPTIONALLY FLATTERING JEANS!

He sips his coffee then exits the kitchen.

I often ask him if my hair looks okay, my long straight hair which hasn’t been out of a braid or ponytail since I was eight years old. Not much to comment on. But he wants you to know he always says it looks nice and then says nothing else. What a lovely man. Doesn’t he look good in his new pants.