Today’s the day. The last of my good looks fell off. I didn’t have much left and what little remained was totally worn out. I couldn’t even pick it up off the floor as it fell into a giant dust bunny. So that’s it! We just don’t have that asset to work with anymore.
I don’t feel bad. It’s exactly as it should be. I shall continue to try and be somebody that people like to be around and conversely; I shall enjoy my anonymity to the fullest as I move through the world. I like to observe and it’s easier to do that when no one is observing you.
I still have the most important outer garment and that is a smile. A smile makes everyone beautiful.
Remedios Vara is the kind of artist I would like to be. Transcendent subject matter, master level skill, unique and vast imagination, rendered in oil paint, preserved for centuries.
And this is my art. Simple subject, basic skill. I’ll leave the critique of my imagination up to you but it’s clearly not as vast. I make faces, not worlds. They are so impermanent that some blow away before I can even photograph them.
When I see art I admire, my chatty inner critique likes to start up a conversation by saying: you know you’re not a very good artist, right?
Maybe. Maybe not. It’s not being an artist that concerns me. I could try to make the kind of art I admire. I have tried. Nothing impressive has come of it. But making art is not about replicating or imitating what you are attracted to. The reason to make your own body of work is to discover what you have a natural affinity for. What do you do when there is no impetus at all except for your own? What do you make when you let yourself make? Art really isn’t even a useful word because it suggests things in galleries and museums, things already made and vetted. Art for me is a practice so it could be anything that one really pays attention to, refines and gives birth to. When we give ourselves permission to do this, we learn what we have an affinity for. I apparently have an affinity for gray.
Affinity and attraction are not the same. Just as I am attracted to Remedios Vara, I am also attracted to bold patterns and colors. When I see brightly patterned dresses for sale on Instagram, I immediately favorite it just in case I want to return and buy myself a little panache. But what am I wearing while I indulge in these wild imaginations? A gray t-shirt and old jeans. What’s my favorite item of clothing? A classic black motorcycle boot. What was my favorite thing before I stupidly lost it? A gray felt cap. Most of my clothes are gray, navy or black. I am comfortable in those colors. When I put on the type of thing I am attracted to, I feel like car alarm going off in the middle of the night. I don’t like it. I might even hate it.
So, the other day I noticed most of my sidewalk faces are gray. Obviously because pavement is gray. Is this coincidence or affinity? I am comfortable in this terrain, I notice the nuances of gray, of minimal, of repetition. I don’t get tired of it and that’s affinity. I can keep going year after year because of affinity. I don’t need to ask anyone else if it’s good because of affinity. Now husband might say different, I’m always requesting/demanding his curatorial eye. I really like to show him my little people. Mostly we agree but if we don’t, he is either confirming my own fear that one is a bit lackluster or sharpening my confidence through accepting disagreement without changing course. That’s affinity.
Moving away from imitation and into affinity is a move from scarcity to abundance. It’s the place where you can do a lifetime of work. It’s a place where you can meet yourself.
What I am about to tell you is something you already know. Everybody knew it but me. Actually even I knew it but I forget. Ready?
If you listen to workout music while working out, you will work out harder. I worked out so hard yesterday, I was sore all day. And I only worked out for seven minutes.
Here’s the story. The pandemic gutted my old exercise routines. No more in person yoga class. I don’t have a laptop to move around the house for doing online classes. I did one in front of my office computer and frankly, I am in front of that thing enough as it is. My friend Mary told me about the YouTube channel Fitness Blender. We can play that on the tv in the living room so all three of us started together last fall. The group energy was great and overcame decades of home workout inertia. Alas, husband and kid injured themselves, back and ankle, so it was just me. As a group we were watching a variety of videos but for the last two months I’ve been doing only one, the same one every day.
It’s only Seven minutes! Even I can manage seven minutes a day. I have no idea why I prefer the repetition to novelty but I do. For the first 6 weeks of this routine I listened to podcasts while exercising to trick myself into the desired behavior like giving a small child a lollypop after a shot. It worked, I kept showing up. But I was aware that I was not very aware. I knew I wasn’t fully in my body.
This week I was finally ready for music. I hit play on my evening playlist. The first song was happily upbeat and quite pleasant but then a morose slow jam came on. Ugh!!! No! Stop high stepping and swipe next. It went on like this as a new item was added to the running mental to do list, make workout playlist. Yesterday I start it and get one song added. But at 8 am I can’t recall ten move your ass songs. Let’s see what Spotify has put together. That’s when this song came on:
From the second it started I already couldn’t wait to hear it again. Best life coach ever in the form of music. I was immediately dancing my way through the workout. I was doing every set at four times my usual speed and intensity. And I was loving it! I can hardly type out this post because I am so psyched to get back to it! It’s not just the music, he is talking straight to you. If you are alive I know you ain’t reached your best yet. He is laying it down! You got more! You can do more! You can see more! You can be more! Yes! Yes! I am feeling you Disclosure! Thank you!
So, here’s the wheel – if you want to push yourself while exercising and love every minute of it, listen to this song! I’m just gonna add a little Rage Against the Machine to balance out the sweetness and we should be a whole lot stronger in a few weeks! Pushups, get ready to finally go into the double digits!
Sidewalk Face 