Striving to Be Better

Happy Cactus

March 21, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-OwlLeave a Comment

I was hiking and came upon this guy. A thought floats through my head, that’s a very happy cactus. Immediately I interrogate this thought. By happy, I mean healthy? By healthy I mean unblemished? By unblemished I mean..? What do I mean?

Aren’t cacti especially adept at weathering drought? Isn’t their whole claim to evolutionary fame their ability to withstand hardship, to endure in the face of incredible scarcity? This cactus hasn’t done any of that. He looks well watered if you ask me. That’s some bright green sheen with nary a needle to mar his vanity inducing surface. Can he really be happy? What has he survived? What does he have to be so proud of except for something he is one hundred percent sure to lose? His “good” looks.

That sets me to pondering all the cactus up here that don’t inspire the thought happy. I wonder if they are in fact quite happy. There are some big ass bunches of cacti just taking over. They are clearly doing well for themselves. Some pads are scarred with dead skin that looks almost charred but new pads thrive from this base. They seem to have an indomitable spirit, a what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger kind of vibe. Are they happy? What is happy?

I want to be like these guys: tough, leathery, protected, in community, supporting, hearty, interesting, unique. Thank you to all my cactus friends, real and metaphorical. Let’s be needles out together.

Striving to Be Better

Weekends are for Sliding on Over

March 13, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-OwlLeave a Comment

My husband and I were talking last night, around 8 pm. I had gone on a hike early that morning and was telling him how I needed that time to be alone, to have a chance to wake up. I said, “Going into the work week isn’t like being unconscious but I do have to put part of myself to sleep to get all the work done and when I try to wake up, sometimes it takes a long time.”

We can’t be all things at all times. Switching from a focused state of awareness to an expansive state of awareness takes time. It’s not a binary, it’s a continuum and you have to slide on over. I start that process on Friday evenings. It usually takes until Saturday evening before I am on the other side. I happily spend Sunday tramping around having BIG IDEAS and doing small domestic tasks. Monday morning, I start sliding back into focus. For everything there is a season.

The things that help me transition are music, taking stock, being creative and hanging out. While listening to music from an external speaker (not my ear buds) I like to review the week and give myself credit for the work I’ve done. If I don’t do that, I’m likely to stay stuck in a state of striving, feeling I just need to do a few more things. Of course, there are always a few more things, but a few more things before what? The what is the weekend. The weekend is when I get to turn off my inner manager, put her aside, and try and just be. I am not very good at it. Being productive is my most comfortable state. But I can’t stay productive without rest.

Creative Process, Striving to Be Better

Bad Outcome

March 9, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl3 Comments

Sometimes things are going to take a turn for the worse and there is nothing that can change it. It’s just a matter of which kind of worse. The only options revolve around which aesthetic annoyance will be less intolerable. I picked the worst option but only because I didn’t know until it was too late that it was the worst.

We have a room in the middle of our apartment that serves as the dining room, my office and the art studio. That’s a lot for one room. What a good job it does. Most of the apartment is off white but one wall in the office is painted an olive-y brown. Artwork really pops of this darker color. This wall includes the closet door I use as my studio wall, I hang my abstracts there while I am working on them. Sometimes they go up for five minutes so I can contemplate what to do next, but often they are taped up for several weeks, either waiting to be finished or after they are complete so I can ponder them.

I removed one recently and some of the paint stuck to the back of the tape holding it up. I tried to peel it off in the hope I could glue it back in place, but it crumbled into multiple bits. Insert swear words. I like to swear but I am really trying not to anymore. That’ another post. I was struck with the fact that I could either prioritize making art or prioritize living in a nice-looking home. Of course, I should have saved some of the paint for touch ups. But damn, how many things is one supposed to get right?! Whoops! A little swear blurped out.

It gets worse. I figured if I didn’t have any paint, I would just use one of my colored markers to touch it up. You can see the hideous results for yourself. What an ugly mess. I don’t know what we are going to do. I am so annoyed and yet I don’t know how it could be different. I want to prioritize art. Period! But I also don’t want to live in dilapidation. Oh well. Can’t have it all. But I can put a little eye and mouth on the hideous smear and at least amuse myself. Laughing to keep from crying.