Tag Archives: Funny

Silver Lining Fail and Some Unexpected Good Advice

I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday and broached the holidays. I haven’t wanted to face it. She’s been coming here every year for 18 years. Not being together is a big deal. I said, well, maybe that’s the very unexpected silver lining of this horrible election season, I’m so upset about that I can’t be upset about Christmas. She says, good job turning lemons into unsweetened lemonade.

At least there’s humor.

She got it from my grandmother, who was a formidable woman. Maybe scary. She was a scary woman. She didn’t laugh so much as cackle. My grandmother was a Texan, the type that lived without air conditioning, in Texas. She and my grandfather lived on a farm/ranch as far away as the moon. It took a long time to get there. If, say, you forgot to get bread at the grocery store, then your dinner wasn’t going to have bread. It was three weeks to the nearest anything. My grandmother served dinner late. She said people will eat anything if they’re hungry enough. You can work out in your own mind whether or not she was a good cook.

If anyone told my grandmother what she “had” to do. Her reply was: I don’t have to do anything but die.

Okay grandma. Noted!

Back to my mom, I found the big insect on the day of the dead skull in the picture above while talking to her on the phone. I mostly call her while I walk the dogs because I like to walk and talk. I was telling her I wanted to take it home but feared it would get crushed in my purse. If you’ve been reading this blog, specifically the last three posts, you know my purse is currently NOT overstuffed! It’s actually understuffed. There was nothing hard and protective I could put this fragile fellow in. She suggests I blow air into a doggy poop bag and let the air be the protective barrier. Genius! It worked like a charm. Who else can I turn to for this level of quality advice? No one! I love you mom.

Happy Día Day Los Muertos. I never want you to be gone but you can rest assured that when you are, I will remember you.

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Everything is Stupid and I Hate It. Coffee Edition.

Husband is in charge of coffee. He does a bang up job and can head the department for life as far as the board of my directors is concerned. Until a few days ago we never had a single complaint filed. But. Pandemic.

We had a lot of coffee on hand when it started but of course we guzzled through it. Is it just us or do you also find that no amount of coffee seems to make this go away?

The problem is we have a very narrow range of what we like which is precisely one coffee product. Cost Plus’s french roast. We buy it in 24 oz bags which last about 2 weeks. Cost is $9.99.

Husband had been trying all week to order more online and it seemed to be doable but the final place order button just wouldn’t activate. Argh! Eventually he did it through his phone. All good except 12 days for delivery but only 1 day of good coffee left in house.

You know how annoying it is to get suggestions on how to do your job from someone who doesn’t know jack shit? Well that’s me and my Clean Floors Department thinking we know dick all about coffee purchasing. I suggest he buy a small bag from the fancy coffee shop down the street to tide us over. I hard sell it thusly: No one in shop, no disease catching and for sweetener, supporting local business!

So Husband goes to deserted coffee shop and for $21 comes back with 2 cups of beans. Two cups! A third of our normal bag, at six times the price. Well at least it’s going to be the most awesome heirloom coffee of our lives, right?

We hated it!

Capital H Hated it! Talked about it for two hours hated it. Close inspection of the package read, notes: blueberry, lemon, redston fruite, chocolate. Husband said I am buying coffee, not fruit salad. This wasn’t flavored coffee guys, this is the expensive hipster best seller! I don’t get it! Maybe the problem is medium roast. I like my coffee to resemble tar in both color and consistancy.

We went back to drinking some Ikea coffee that had previously been considered trash and now seems pretty tasty. Counting the days until Cost Plus delivers.

Just in case you don’t know me and this isn’t obvious, these aren’t real problems and I’m not really upset about them. We are so lucky in so many ways. I am using humor to cope with my fear and dismay about the ongoing tragedy around us. Please stay as safe as you can and be kind to others.

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