Bad Outcome

Bad Outcome

Sometimes things are going to take a turn for the worse and there is nothing that can change it. It’s just a matter of which kind of worse. The only options revolve around which aesthetic annoyance will be less intolerable. I picked the worst option but only because I didn’t know until it was too late that it was the worst.

We have a room in the middle of our apartment that serves as the dining room, my office and the art studio. That’s a lot for one room. What a good job it does. Most of the apartment is off white but one wall in the office is painted an olive-y brown. Artwork really pops of this darker color. This wall includes the closet door I use as my studio wall, I hang my abstracts there while I am working on them. Sometimes they go up for five minutes so I can contemplate what to do next, but often they are taped up for several weeks, either waiting to be finished or after they are complete so I can ponder them.

I removed one recently and some of the paint stuck to the back of the tape holding it up. I tried to peel it off in the hope I could glue it back in place, but it crumbled into multiple bits. Insert swear words. I like to swear but I am really trying not to anymore. That’ another post. I was struck with the fact that I could either prioritize making art or prioritize living in a nice-looking home. Of course, I should have saved some of the paint for touch ups. But damn, how many things is one supposed to get right?! Whoops! A little swear blurped out.

It gets worse. I figured if I didn’t have any paint, I would just use one of my colored markers to touch it up. You can see the hideous results for yourself. What an ugly mess. I don’t know what we are going to do. I am so annoyed and yet I don’t know how it could be different. I want to prioritize art. Period! But I also don’t want to live in dilapidation. Oh well. Can’t have it all. But I can put a little eye and mouth on the hideous smear and at least amuse myself. Laughing to keep from crying.

Tell Me Again How Many Steps I Have to Back Up Before I Can Move Forward?

Tell Me Again How Many Steps I Have to Back Up Before I Can Move Forward?

Last night I am watching some TV before bed, my reward for doing all the things. I’m thirsty so I hit pause and carry my water glass to the Brita water dispenser. It’s halfway empty. I don’t like that. I like it to be full. I fill my glass part way and start to feel a tremble, a tug. I should stop filling my glass and go fill the pitcher we use to transport the water from the sink to the dispenser. Then I could drink my water while the pitcher’s filling. It’s important to be super-efficient at all times, right? But I can’t move the pitcher to the sink because the sink is full. I can’t make the sink less full until I empty the dish drain. Should I have some water or empty the dish drain and do all the dishes?

I become aware that I am incapable of having a little water in a pleasant and focused way. I am always trying to get ahead. I am in a loop of this before that.

It’s true that there is a lot to get done, every day. Without consistent hard work, that dispenser is not going to fill itself. But it seems wrong that I can’t even have water unless I am being productive. I need to ponder this.