Tell Me Again How Many Steps I Have to Back Up Before I Can Move Forward?

Last night I am watching some TV before bed, my reward for doing all the things. I’m thirsty so I hit pause and carry my water glass to the Brita water dispenser. It’s halfway empty. I don’t like that. I like it to be full. I fill my glass part way and start to feel a tremble, a tug. I should stop filling my glass and go fill the pitcher we use to transport the water from the sink to the dispenser. Then I could drink my water while the pitcher’s filling. It’s important to be super-efficient at all times, right? But I can’t move the pitcher to the sink because the sink is full. I can’t make the sink less full until I empty the dish drain. Should I have some water or empty the dish drain and do all the dishes?

I become aware that I am incapable of having a little water in a pleasant and focused way. I am always trying to get ahead. I am in a loop of this before that.

It’s true that there is a lot to get done, every day. Without consistent hard work, that dispenser is not going to fill itself. But it seems wrong that I can’t even have water unless I am being productive. I need to ponder this.

4 thoughts on “Tell Me Again How Many Steps I Have to Back Up Before I Can Move Forward?

  1. On the ground between my work desk and my book shelf is a space that is 2ft by 4ft. My desk is cluttered. The book shelf is cluttered. The 2x4ft space is cluttered. For years I cleaned this floor space. And each time I fought to wrangle it into pleasing blank nothingness, it quickly refilled up with stuff. So around pandemic onset, I gave up. It immediately refilled. But then something curious happened. It did not keep growing. It got about 4 inches deep, and then statically held. And I am pondering what seems like a profound realization. Maybe, that is just where that stuff goes? Why was I fighting it? Why does everything need to be put away? If it isn’t in the way, if it isn’t stressing me, if I can live with it for a year and not care, then truly “Why clear it?” And this deep into my experiment, the pensive pressure of infinite to-do tasks has abated. I usually just say “it is 2020, who cares this year?” My plan is to just wait til I care, and then clean.

    An example closer to yours! Dishes. Last night I did not do the dishes before bed like I “believed” I was supposed to. Bad! But then this morning I did them casually, offhandedly, without needing any motivation. Just rocked them out in seconds while talking to wifey. So weird how one version of me would have felt burdened to do a task, that a different version of me did without even noticing. So this is my new plan: to fight less against things my self doesn’t want to do, and to do the things my self does want to do, and to try to not feel bad about what I don’t do. If I don’t want to do it now, I will do it later. If I don’t want to do it later, I will ask someone else to help, as I will never get it done.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a wonderful reply! Thank you Mahdroo. If it wasn’t for stupid covid I would insist on coming over to see what exactly is so comfortably living in the desk shelf cayon. I am curious! But my curiosity is ameliorated by your role model worthy self care. Good job brother. I will take your advice and only do what I feel like doing. Right after I do a bunch of other things to prepare. Ha!

      Liked by 2 people

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