Responsibility Seesaw

Responsibility Seesaw

A seesaw appears to be a binary. Either you’re up or down. Emotionally it’s easiest to imagine this as you’re happy or you’re unhappy. Stressed or not stressed. I am often stressed by responsibility so naturally I dream of relief. How wonderful it would be to roll the backpack of anxiety off my weary shoulders and shove it deep into the closet, not to be hoisted again until next season. I wish for this so often. I am delusionally imaging a world of equilibrium. I think if I am not stressed about too much to do, I will be in a stasis of happiness.

No. Stasis does not exist, it is merely the briefest moment of passing through the fulcrum from one state of anxiety to the next.

I noticed this last night. I was taking stock and feeling pretty darn good about my week’s accomplishments. I had managed to do so much! And the future was looking a little less hectic. It’s as if I had been stuck in the up position of the seesaw for a month by an elephant of labor who either refused to pump his thick legs up and down or who was just too large for it to be effective. But miraculously, he had shrunk in size and I was slowly floating down. Happiness is just on the other side! Here I come!

I felt total bliss as the board evened out, me and the now skinny elephant smiling across from each other, perfectly aligned, our eyes meeting in joyous anticipation.

How brief was that joy, how fleeting that sense of ease. The skinny elephant suddenly transformed into an emaciated rodent who flew up in the air as my terrified butt whacked the ground. Thrown from the game he scurried away, leaving me unable to go up again. What if I don’t get any more work? What if all the jobs dry up? What if I have nothing to do? All the anxiety was back, just a mirror image.

Too much or too little. Those are always the main course. The hoped-for sense of ease is a momentary movement in between.

I am glad I could see it so clearly. And the metaphor helps. Possibly the thing to do is get off the damn seesaw.

Illustrations by my brilliant husband, Andy Norman.

Weekends are for Sliding on Over

Weekends are for Sliding on Over

My husband and I were talking last night, around 8 pm. I had gone on a hike early that morning and was telling him how I needed that time to be alone, to have a chance to wake up. I said, “Going into the work week isn’t like being unconscious but I do have to put part of myself to sleep to get all the work done and when I try to wake up, sometimes it takes a long time.”

We can’t be all things at all times. Switching from a focused state of awareness to an expansive state of awareness takes time. It’s not a binary, it’s a continuum and you have to slide on over. I start that process on Friday evenings. It usually takes until Saturday evening before I am on the other side. I happily spend Sunday tramping around having BIG IDEAS and doing small domestic tasks. Monday morning, I start sliding back into focus. For everything there is a season.

The things that help me transition are music, taking stock, being creative and hanging out. While listening to music from an external speaker (not my ear buds) I like to review the week and give myself credit for the work I’ve done. If I don’t do that, I’m likely to stay stuck in a state of striving, feeling I just need to do a few more things. Of course, there are always a few more things, but a few more things before what? The what is the weekend. The weekend is when I get to turn off my inner manager, put her aside, and try and just be. I am not very good at it. Being productive is my most comfortable state. But I can’t stay productive without rest.