Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl

Why I Do Moderation

February 3, 2021March 9, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl2 Comments

Because I don’t want to do abstinence.

If the choice is some potato chips or no potato chips, I prefer some.

Of course, I have habits and vices that get over indulged. I am thinking of you coffee! When the window between those times narrows, I know I have to dial it back. Not because I am a good and disciplined person but because I fear real discipline. I should probably quite caffeine for a few days but how about I just go back to two cups a day instead of four?

Moderation is a strategy of having one’s cake and getting to eat a few bites as well.

This only works when you aren’t battling true addiction. There is one substance I am totally prostrate to, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers. Once the bag is open, I have to eat it all, as quickly as possible. This is going to get gross for a second so skip to the next paragraph if you want to avoid a visceral description of eating. I don’t even swallow fully before more goldfish go in. Apparently, I want the crunch and the bolus together. Yuck! I feel all that cheesy mass gathering behind my molars and yet I don’t clear it, I just keep inserting the crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

It’s hard to say if what is happening is enjoyment. It’s almost like I want it to end more than I want anything else and ending is not stopping but just getting the stuff gone.

It’s so bizarre to me because I don’t have this with anything else. OK, one other thing. Pringles. I guess I really like salty/crunchy. But I can and do make a can of Pringles last two days. Otherwise I’m okay. We always have an opened bag of corn chips and though I sometimes eat a regrettable amount, I do stop. I don’t require the absence of the chip to end the session. Who knows why some things are irresistible but those things have to be eliminated. I just can’t have Goldfish. I don’t buy them. It’s that simple.

I don’t care about giving up Goldfish. They mean nothing to me. I do care about coffee. I really don’t want to give it up. I think moderation is a good strategy if it can be achieved.

Art, Sidewalk Faces, Striving to Be Better

Doing It and Thinking About Doing It

February 1, 2021March 9, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl2 Comments

I am always thinking about doing art. For someone who thinks about it so much, I am agitated I don’t do it more. I suppose it’s because I want the conditions to be just right and I also want to do easier things like read. It’s so easy to read.

Saturday, I made so much art. I assembled and photographed a bunch of new Sidewalk Faces. Cute ones! I need some cute ones. Saturday night I did my abstract marker drawings. Heaven! I was in that lovely place: adventure, excitement, danger, knowledge.

So what happened Sunday? Good and bad. I took my camera to Runyon Canyon with the dogs and made several faces. Alright! When I came home, the afternoon was all clear for drawing. Instead, I ordered a takeout sandwich, scarfed it, lay down on my bed with a book, read 45 minutes while consciousness drained away and napped until almost evening. Husband woke me up with a question about dinner. It’s my turn. Agh! I started reading again to wake up, I hate napping! Then at 5:45 pm, a pretty late start, I get my ass into the kitchen and throw down a coconut curry.

A decent evening ensued but what happened to my plans? Why didn’t I do what I was telling myself I wanted to do the most?

P.S. This essay, like the 2nd half of yesterday, didn’t go at all according to plan. I thought I was going to write about how it feels to be doing art, not how it feels to not be doing it.

Maybe later. Always good to have a topic to explore later.

Humor, Relationships, Technology

The Technology Isn’t Working, Can You Help?

January 29, 2021May 8, 2021by Sidewalk Face at Eagle-Crow-Owl13 Comments

I have a couple of mottos I live by. One is:

It doesn’t matter how you feel, it matters how you act.

Saturday, I had an Olympic level challenge for this particular virtue. I didn’t medal. Ugh!

So, I had carved out some time to make art. I was doing it; I was listening to music and drawing. You might associate that activity with me but it’s actually really hard for me to draw before 5pm because of responsibilities. And here it was not even afternoon teatime and the markers were out and it was happening! A very pleasant half hour ensued.

Then my cell phone rings. It’s mom. She’d texted earlier that she couldn’t log into Facebook. Though I’d called her right back she is only now returning my call to help. Two and a half hours later I abandon my drawing and hustle to the kitchen. I am late starting dinner. As I chop onions, I review what just happened. I suck! Was I really just that mean to mom? Did I really use that tone of voice? What is wrong with me?

I’m not gonna belabor the plot synopsis of this play because it’s one we’ve all seen. It’s a play we’ve all performed. We’ve all been cast in both roles, the technological idiot and the person trying to help the idiot. The play sucks and everyone hates it. And yet the play has run nonstop for decades. It’s called The Technology isn’t Working, can you help? I know I’ve never felt so helpless as when I am in the idiot role. I mostly only know what I know now because of the number of times I’ve had to play the idiot. Part of the frustration of that role is you don’t know what you don’t know. Hard to be specific about ignorance.

On that note, the reason it’s so difficult to help my mom is because she doesn’t know the simplest terms. She doesn’t know if she is accessing Facebook through a browser or an app. I tried to zoom with her so I could see what she was seeing but she only had her phone so she couldn’t screen share. I tried to transfer her to her laptop, but she doesn’t know her log in password. I have it. She’s in. But it’s useless because she doesn’t know the Wi-Fi password. Cascading problems. I am feeling so much anxiety. Let’s just try to deal with one at a time. Let me ask some questions to get the information I need to understand the problem.

Do you know what a browser is, yes or no?

The screen says…

No mom, just yes or no, do you know what a browser is? Do you know what that term means?

When I click on the…

Mom! Mom! Stop! Please just answer me with a yes or no.

She can’t. I don’t know why. But I have to listen to reams of gobbledygook to try and parse the information I need. It makes me physically upset and my tone of voice stops being the way I want it to be.

Somehow, I do get her back into Facebook. I feel like I just got a Nobel prize. I am so proud of myself. I gave her a stern lecture about passwords and we hang up.

While still taking an arrogant bow at the end of the play for being the person who solved the riddle, the curtains immediately raise on a new play called You are a Terrible Daughter! What’s Wrong with You?

My mother has done so much for me. How many times has she stopped what she was doing to help me? Too many to count. I could never repay her with my time. I have to see helping her as a privilege, not as a roadblock. I call her back, apologize for being not so nice. She doesn’t care, she loves me, and she got her Facebook back. If I am going to medal in the next round, I need to improve my workout. I need to remember to be grateful in the moment of difficulty. I need to tattoo that motto on my arm.