Everything is Stupid and I Hate It. Coffee Edition.

Everything is Stupid and I Hate It. Coffee Edition.

Husband is in charge of coffee. He does a bang up job and can head the department for life as far as the board of my directors is concerned. Until a few days ago we never had a single complaint filed. But. Pandemic.

We had a lot of coffee on hand when it started but of course we guzzled through it. Is it just us or do you also find that no amount of coffee seems to make this go away?

The problem is we have a very narrow range of what we like which is precisely one coffee product. Cost Plus’s french roast. We buy it in 24 oz bags which last about 2 weeks. Cost is $9.99.

Husband had been trying all week to order more online and it seemed to be doable but the final place order button just wouldn’t activate. Argh! Eventually he did it through his phone. All good except 12 days for delivery but only 1 day of good coffee left in house.

You know how annoying it is to get suggestions on how to do your job from someone who doesn’t know jack shit? Well that’s me and my Clean Floors Department thinking we know dick all about coffee purchasing. I suggest he buy a small bag from the fancy coffee shop down the street to tide us over. I hard sell it thusly: No one in shop, no disease catching and for sweetener, supporting local business!

So Husband goes to deserted coffee shop and for $21 comes back with 2 cups of beans. Two cups! A third of our normal bag, at six times the price. Well at least it’s going to be the most awesome heirloom coffee of our lives, right?

We hated it!

Capital H Hated it! Talked about it for two hours hated it. Close inspection of the package read, notes: blueberry, lemon, redston fruite, chocolate. Husband said I am buying coffee, not fruit salad. This wasn’t flavored coffee guys, this is the expensive hipster best seller! I don’t get it! Maybe the problem is medium roast. I like my coffee to resemble tar in both color and consistancy.

We went back to drinking some Ikea coffee that had previously been considered trash and now seems pretty tasty. Counting the days until Cost Plus delivers.

Just in case you don’t know me and this isn’t obvious, these aren’t real problems and I’m not really upset about them. We are so lucky in so many ways. I am using humor to cope with my fear and dismay about the ongoing tragedy around us. Please stay as safe as you can and be kind to others.

Everything Is Stupid and I Hate It.

Everything Is Stupid and I Hate It.

I spent a lot of time making a really amazing meal. Unfortuantely we ate it and now it’s gone. So that didn’t work out as nearly as well as I hoped.

Maybe you’re wondering how exactly had I hoped it would work out? I’ll tell you. I wanted that sweet spot between making it and eating it to last for a week and a half. That would have been an acceptable outcome. Deliciousness seems to be working against our goals here. So does hunger.

Non Problems

Non Problems

I am currently not considering anything a problem that isn’t having coronavirus or economic hardship. So let me tell you about a little non problem that just occurred.

Husband scored english muffins at the dollar store two days ago. Fun! I was hunting for them just now and they weren’t in the usual places. Then I spied them on the newly installed hallway shelf we use to store extra food. You know what’s a cool thing to do to reduce the width of your hallway, put a shelf in! Don’t you hate it if two people can easily pass without body contact. It’s how we hug around here.

So I grab the middle of the bag and it explodes like breakfast confetti all over the floor. Right next to the bag is the plastic do dad that keeps plastic bread sleeves closed. Aghhhhh!

I march indignantly to husband, DID YOU HAVE AN ENGLISH MUFFIN THIS MORNING?! DID YOU NOT RESEAL THE BAG? Yes and yes annoying harridan I am legally wed to! I did that so we wouldn’t have to touch the bag as much because I didn’t wash it after bringing it home. Now who feels like the jackass, woman!

As I type this I can’t make heads or tails of this line of thinking. Would not opening the twisted top really lead to less touching. I can not make my brain figure it out so I blow on the floor muffins, put them back in the bag haphazardly, twist it up, and wash the lower half in the sink with a soapy sponge. Can anyone on the planet earth tell me with any certainty that this was the correct course of action? There is not a single possible way to get a gold star here.

In husbands defense (if you even think he needs a defense, you may be team husband), he just had to cancel an order for a new washer and dryer because it’s 240 volt and we only have 120 and he’s spent the last 48 hours researching the non problem of how to replace our dead washing machine.

But you know what, I am grateful. For real. And my muffin was good.