Why I Do Moderation

Why I Do Moderation

Because I don’t want to do abstinence.

If the choice is some potato chips or no potato chips, I prefer some.

Of course, I have habits and vices that get over indulged. I am thinking of you coffee! When the window between those times narrows, I know I have to dial it back. Not because I am a good and disciplined person but because I fear real discipline. I should probably quite caffeine for a few days but how about I just go back to two cups a day instead of four?

Moderation is a strategy of having one’s cake and getting to eat a few bites as well.

This only works when you aren’t battling true addiction. There is one substance I am totally prostrate to, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers. Once the bag is open, I have to eat it all, as quickly as possible. This is going to get gross for a second so skip to the next paragraph if you want to avoid a visceral description of eating. I don’t even swallow fully before more goldfish go in. Apparently, I want the crunch and the bolus together. Yuck! I feel all that cheesy mass gathering behind my molars and yet I don’t clear it, I just keep inserting the crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

It’s hard to say if what is happening is enjoyment. It’s almost like I want it to end more than I want anything else and ending is not stopping but just getting the stuff gone.

It’s so bizarre to me because I don’t have this with anything else. OK, one other thing. Pringles. I guess I really like salty/crunchy. But I can and do make a can of Pringles last two days. Otherwise I’m okay. We always have an opened bag of corn chips and though I sometimes eat a regrettable amount, I do stop. I don’t require the absence of the chip to end the session. Who knows why some things are irresistible but those things have to be eliminated. I just can’t have Goldfish. I don’t buy them. It’s that simple.

I don’t care about giving up Goldfish. They mean nothing to me. I do care about coffee. I really don’t want to give it up. I think moderation is a good strategy if it can be achieved.

What would you do with a quart of sour half and half?

What would you do with a quart of sour half and half?

Picture an unopened container, the classic waxed cardboard type, not plastic, that expired several days ago and has been left to sit out on the dish drain unrefrigerated for several days.

Response #1

Slowly pour it down the drain while running water.

Response #2

Place in nearly full garbage can. Then heap additional garbage on top so that the container can no longer be seen. Make sure the topping garbage is threatening to spill out in such a way that no additional garbage can confidently go in. Leave this situation for wife to discover when she is trying to put new garbage into the bin.

This wife has a great technique for creating more space. She compacts the garbage by gently folding the bag’s upper flaps over each other and then stepping on it with all her weight. Normally this gets you another half day of usage before needing to take outside. Normally this does not ruin your Nike sneakers.

It’s like the garbage masturbated on my shoe with spoiled milk. Ewh!

So that’s what that low base pompf sound was.

Everything is Stupid and I Hate It. Coffee Edition.

Everything is Stupid and I Hate It. Coffee Edition.

Husband is in charge of coffee. He does a bang up job and can head the department for life as far as the board of my directors is concerned. Until a few days ago we never had a single complaint filed. But. Pandemic.

We had a lot of coffee on hand when it started but of course we guzzled through it. Is it just us or do you also find that no amount of coffee seems to make this go away?

The problem is we have a very narrow range of what we like which is precisely one coffee product. Cost Plus’s french roast. We buy it in 24 oz bags which last about 2 weeks. Cost is $9.99.

Husband had been trying all week to order more online and it seemed to be doable but the final place order button just wouldn’t activate. Argh! Eventually he did it through his phone. All good except 12 days for delivery but only 1 day of good coffee left in house.

You know how annoying it is to get suggestions on how to do your job from someone who doesn’t know jack shit? Well that’s me and my Clean Floors Department thinking we know dick all about coffee purchasing. I suggest he buy a small bag from the fancy coffee shop down the street to tide us over. I hard sell it thusly: No one in shop, no disease catching and for sweetener, supporting local business!

So Husband goes to deserted coffee shop and for $21 comes back with 2 cups of beans. Two cups! A third of our normal bag, at six times the price. Well at least it’s going to be the most awesome heirloom coffee of our lives, right?

We hated it!

Capital H Hated it! Talked about it for two hours hated it. Close inspection of the package read, notes: blueberry, lemon, redston fruite, chocolate. Husband said I am buying coffee, not fruit salad. This wasn’t flavored coffee guys, this is the expensive hipster best seller! I don’t get it! Maybe the problem is medium roast. I like my coffee to resemble tar in both color and consistancy.

We went back to drinking some Ikea coffee that had previously been considered trash and now seems pretty tasty. Counting the days until Cost Plus delivers.

Just in case you don’t know me and this isn’t obvious, these aren’t real problems and I’m not really upset about them. We are so lucky in so many ways. I am using humor to cope with my fear and dismay about the ongoing tragedy around us. Please stay as safe as you can and be kind to others.